A Friendly Chat in Paradise
by TheCheapTickets
Summary: Total mayhem and a chance for the cast to share their...original view on life... How many sparrows in an English garden? CoMpLeTe
1. An intersting start

A Friendly Chat in Paradise

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own any of the characters or rights for them in any way, shape, or form. They belong to the creator of Saiyuki Yeah, so anyway my only point of brilliance is the other stuff. In other words, I'm not that brilliant. All I own is a few lousy pixy stix and a meatcleaver… R&R!

Ch 1: An interesting start

Taka paced back and forth over the lacquered tiles in a fit.

"Where _are_ they?" she snarled violently at the ground. The Spirit Girl had been pacing like this for whet seemed like days, breaking things accidentally in her angry little outbursts. "I told them to be here at ten o'clock_. I told them!_ Darn camera crew….wish they'd hurry it up. I don't have all day- the others will be here soon!" With one unbalanced spin, Taka knocked over the vase on the pedestal to her right. A long deluge of swearing resulted which cannot be shown under this current rating. "Argh! Stupid… the people who own this place are gonna kill me! The Gods only know how much I've broken already!"

This was true. Taka was not the most graceful of people; in fact she was an outright klutz. She had already broken an old toaster, a flowerpot, a china cup, a Buda statuette, and a microphone. The people that she was renting the country villa from would probably be furious.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggg! It was the doorbell! _Oh yeah! This is it! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!_ Taka thought as she brushed her blue-black hair from her face and went to the door. With trembling fingers she undid the bolt and unlocked the brass latches on the ancient oak door. Slowly, holding her breath and shaking in sheer excitement (although the couple dozen pixy stix that she had earlier may have helped), Taka pulled the open door and saw…

CRASH! "Oh it's just you", she said, obvious disappointment stamped on her face as Taka opened the door that she had slammed on her guest. Taka's friend Akuma came in, her eyes flashing dangerously.

"Whadda ya mean 'just me'! I'll have you know that I came all the way out here for you when I could be doing much more enjoyable things by myself or with Fluffy." (Fluffy is actually her nickname for Sesshoumaru from Inuyasha. She is going out with him.)

"Like what?' asked Taka skeptically.

"Like…um…playing video games or…burning stuff up. I like fire!" Akuma retorted.

"Yeah, I know. Stop whining Akuma. It's almost time!"

"Ok" she said dejectedly. "So…where's your crew?"

"They're late." Taka muttered ruefully.

"The cast?" queried her friend.

"On the way."

"Who are you having?" asked Akuma happily. She liked Saiyuki just as much as Taka did.

"Well, we are obviously going to have the Sanzo-ikkou. Sanzo, Goku, Hakkai, Gojyo… yeah…Gojyo…"

"Are you sweet on him?" Akuma yelled, knocking the Spirit Girl from her reverie." "I'm half shocked, half amused, and half just plain disgusted! May I remind you what a pervert Gojyo is?"

"But he's a really hot pervert…and that was three halves."

Akuma was so exasperated that words couldn't aptly describe her feelings. So- she threw her spiked shoe at Taka.

"Ow!" She squeaked before falling off the edge of a chair. "Hey!" _With friends like this, who needs enemies? _Taka thought bitterly._ Miss Resident-Pyro over there is ten times as bad as most criminals I've met._

"That was fun!" Akuma smiled, then seeing her friend's warning scowl, she switched topics. "So who's the host?"

"Me, Stupid!"

"You?" she asked innocently, "but you'll ruin- Ack!" Her remark was cut off as she got a mouthful of shoe; the one she had previously flung at Taka. "Ok, Ok. So you are the host. What are the questions?"

"Glad you asked!" Taka commented brightly as she rummaged in a backpack for them. "They are all in here some…" She paused as an ugly realization swept over her. _Drat!_ She thought angrily, _I used them to clean up the fragments of the statuette! I've thrown them away! What'll I do now? I don't remember any of the questions. I could make them up but they would sound cheesy. Curse this whole situation!_

"Ummm…Taka? Are you ok? You look kinda greenish."

As she was about to reply, the doorbell rung again.

"Oh no, this is it! They're here!" Taka wailed, "And I don't have my note-cards! I'm not even ready!"

"Quick, go out into the garden where you are taking the video and get ready. I'll send out the camera crew and delay the interviewees until you are ready. Hurry!" Akuma said.

Taka sprinted into the English garden and started to arrange chairs. She ushered the camera crew into place urgently and rearranged her hair. She hashed out the final instructions just as Akuma ushered the first person out onto the set. _All right, I'm going to be fine…I'll just ask whatever pops into my head. Man, I wish those birds would give their singing a rest: I have a headache. _

"Action!" snapped the man by the camera. Taka mustered up her courage and started-

"Hello everyone and thanks for watching. My name is Taka and I'll be your host this evening. We (meaning myself and several professionals) conducted an interview of a few Saiyuki characters. With me…_I wish those darn birds would be quiet. I can't concentrate._

"Oh! And the question is…um…'How many sparrows in an English garden?' The interview is being taken in said garden."

After- production note: Unfortunately we cannot claim that no sparrows were harmed in the making of this interview. Nor can we say the same for a certain monkey and sprite. However, we are pleased to announce that I, Taka was not hurt in the making, perhaps a bit traumatized but not hurt. (Nothin' short of a bloody miracle if you ask me)

"And now, without further ado, yadda yadda, blah blah blah, the age-old question-

'How many Sparrows in an English garden?'"


	2. Round 1 the Good guys

A Friendly Chat in Paradise

Disclaimer: Again, I have no ownership whatsoever of Saiyuki characters. I own Taka, and Akuma owns Akuma…except when she goes schizophrenic- its kind of confusing. Anyway, I own nothing. sniff Darn…

note: If you liked this fic feel more than free to read the others. I have several stories in the making and they are all just as random as this one is. R&R!

Ch. 2 Round 1 of Disaster

"Y- yeah…that's right folks! How many sp-sparrows in an English g-garden?"

Taka stuttered. "And um, the first guest here is everyone's favorite moody monk, leader of the Sanzo-ikkou: Sanzo! Sure he's corrupted, unstable and might shoot you if you annoy him but he's got a heart of gold…deep, deep down. Please welcome- Genjyo Sanzo!"

Sanzo walked onto the set in a very grumpy mood. He sat down in the chair opposite Taka and started to arrange his priest robes so that he would be comfortable. Brushing his blond hair from his eyes, he told the host, "Can we just get this over with so I can leave."

"Uhh…Sure thing priest…" _Droopy eyes, baldy…_

"Are we rolling?"

"Yes we are! So, Sanzo- How many sparrow in an English garden_?" Darn, this question is so stupid. He'll think I'm on crack or something!_

"What?"

_Yep! I'm definitely on his official druggy list… _"How many sparrows in an English garden?" Taka repeated blushing cherry red with embarrassment.

"Sorry, I can't understand you over the noise of the birds. Did you say something about a barrel of English muffins?"

"No, I said-"

"Shut up you stupid birds! I said SHUT UP!" The priest yelled. He then proceeded to pull out his gun at shoot at the feathery music-makers. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"What the- Who allowed Sanzo to bring the gun on set!" Taka screamed.

"Cease and desist your incessant twittering or I WILL kill you!" BANG! BANG! BANG! More gunshots bounced off the stone walls and lodged into tree trunks.

"Somebody take his dang gun before he shoots someone!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! "Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!…. Ahem, now what were you saying?" he asked rather irritably.

"Never mind…" Taka retorted, "I think you answered the question. Well, thank you for your…um…enlightening views Sanzo. If you would please go back to the villa."

She turned to the camera. "And that concludes our interview with Genjyo Sanzo. Next we have the cutest, most annoying monkey in Shangrai-La! I wouldn't call him that to his face though! Despite being the shortest of the group he packs a killer punch. With a stomach the size of Alaska, please welcome Son Goku!"

Goku ran from the house and sat in the chair provided. "Hiya!"

"Hello there, Goku! Goku?" Taka asked as Goku seemed to groan loudly.

"Oops! That's just my stomach grumbling. I'm hungry."

"Stupid baka-saru! How can you still be hungry after you ate all of the refreshments in here?" came the outraged voice of Gojyo from inside.

"Sorry 'bout that," Goku grinned sheepishly.

"Its fine" she sighed. _Great!_ Taka thought sarcastically, _On top of the damage I've already caused I have to pay for the bullet holes and the expensive snacks that were gobbled._ "Anyway Goku, How many sparrows in an English garden?"

"Sparrows? Ohhhh. Yeah, those taste great! I had some once; they were really tasty. The chef-person cooked them up in a delicious sauce. It was amazing!" His golden eyes unfocussed. "They smelled so good, and they tasted even better. Yeah…and they were served with spring rolls, and salad and goukime, and meatbuns, and fish, and tiger-yaki and…."

"Ewww…He's drooling! Stop the camera! Yuck!" Taka started to move away and then realized that it wouldn't be right to leave him smearing his saliva on the guest seat. "Goku? Goku! GOKU!"

"Wha?" he, said plunged from his daydream by her shout.

"Thank you for your time. You can go raid the pantry again," Taka told him dismally.

"And now please welcome the half-demon, the hottest water sprite you'll ever see and the most lecherous one as well, Sha Gojyo!"

Gojyo came striding over to the set Scarlet hair swinging and red eyes glinting. _Yep!_ Taka thought, _He's definitely hotter in person._

"Hey baby." He nodded and winked one of those wine colored eyes. Taka felt her heart flutter and all thoughts abruptly faded from her mind. She didn't even register when he asked," So watcha doing tonight?"

A discreet cough from the director brought her back. "Oh! Gojyo, How many sparrows in an English garden?"

"Huh? Sparrows? Sparrow is the name of that chick I picked up back in- Oh, ya mean birds? What, am I the pet-shop keeper now? I've already got a monkey! #&! I _told_Sanzo I'm not gonna be his errand boy any more, darn it!"

Taka, a little surprised by his outburst fell of the chair. (She's clumsy. What else would you expect?) Gojyo broke off and came over to offer his hand. Blushing a bright scarlet to match his hair and eyes, she took it- and fainted.

The director stopped the tape and took over. "I'm sorry about this. She's had a long day."

"It's okay," Gojyo grinned, "I usually have that effect on women."

He went back inside while Akuma came out swearing and threw a bucket of ice water on the host. Taka came awake real fast! Spluttering she took the towel offered and glared at her friend. "w- what did you d-do that for!" she spluttered.

Akuma shrugged, "That was fun!"

"Oh well, lets get on with it," Taka said and flushed crimson again. Did I pass out all over him?" she asked dreading the answer.

"All over him!" Akuma affirmed gleefully.

_Darn._ "Ok start rolling again." Taka said to the director.

"Um- we've been filming the whole time. Sorry," he told her.

"Ya wha?" The host was too stunned to make her mouth move in any understandable direction. "Ok, ok. Let's keep going.

"Next, we have Hakkai. The handsome, good-natured, optimistic demon Cho Hakkai previously known as Cho Gonnou! Everyone say hi!" Tall, with brown hair and emerald eyes (one of them hidden behind a monocle), Hakkai strolled in smiling pleasantly. Hakuru, his dragon flew above his shoulder.

"So Hakkai, How many sprites- I-I mean sparrows in an English garden?"

"I have little experience with sparrows," he replied lightly. "I think I ran over one a couple of times. Oh and one pooped on my map."

"Ooooh, is that why you're always getting us lost and driving weird?" called Goku from the house.

" This is **my** interview thank you. "

_Oh my gosh! He stopped smiling for a second!_

"Anyway, I think jeep is scared of them. Do you want me to count?"

_No it's ok._ Taka thought."Oh sure, but don't feel obligated."

" No really-" he interjected.

"There's no need," _This guy is way too nice._

"Seriously, I can count them, I **can** count. It's not like they're centipedes or…wait! It's coming back to me. I killed a thousand sparrows in my former…No! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" he yelled, falling to the ground.

"Gojyo, get in here and slap Hakkai!" Taka shouted jumping to her feet.

Gojyo sprinted on and whacked Hakkai across the face. "Oh, Ok better," Hakkai said.

"Are you sure you are all right?" she asked him apprehensively. _I just wanted to see Gojyo again. I'm so pathetic!_

"I'm fine," he replied amiably.

"Ok. Well thank you and goodnight." Taka waited for Hakkai to exit and then sat down again. "That completes the first half of our interview. Thank you for watching!"

"Cut!" called the director. "That's a wrap."

A/N: Thanks for reading people! Hope you like it. R&R!


	3. Round 2 Evil Interviews

A Friendly Chat in Paradise

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki…I think everyone is aware of this. I am a pathetic person who loves sugar and meatcleavers ok? So naturally I don't own anything but said sugar and cleaver.

All right, all right…I'm finally updating, not that I seem to have many people checking but- _WHACK!_ -my pity party is over. A special thanks goes out to **_saiyukisexy. _**She is soooooooooooo awesome! Thank you for your reviews. U ROCK! Everybody else follow her wonderful example and R&R too ok?

Ch. 3- Evil Interviews.

Taka entered the garden again several hours later. Her black hair swung in her face and her eyes glittered. _I'm ready,_ she thought. This thought was a little late in coming however. It had taken an hour of extensive therapy just to form. She had good reason for the delay though. After all, she was interviewing Saiyuki characters.

"Are you ready Taka-san?" the film director asked concernedly.

"Absolutely," she replied. "Let's roll."

The camera was switched on and at the director's prompting Taka began to speak: "Hello there and welcome back to A Friendly Chat in Paradise! This is an exclusive interview with the many famous people, demons…and….stuff of Shangrai-La!"

There was a loud BANG from the villa and an evil cackle. Taka looked back at the home worriedly. _If they're causing damage again, I'm gonna...! _

_"_Anyway, please welcome to the set the Lady of the Castle, the wife of the totally evil dude that Nataku destroyed, the evil demon chick with the funky green hair that bosses everybody around- Gyokumen Koushu!" _Woah, _Taka thought when she came gliding out of the villa_- She is really pretty scary looking…no fashion sense what so ever._

"Heh…So Lady Guy-oky-yu-mon Koa-shoe, how many sparrows in an English garden?"

"Sparrows, hmmmm? Do Sparrows have minds or wills? Can they be converted to our cause my pet? Maybe I could turn Lirin into a sparrow… no she talks too much as it is…Perhaps Kougaigi would be more willing if we threatened to torture sparrows…."

"Um…"

"Or we could use them as snipers on the Sanzo-Ikkou. YES! I'm brilliant! I'll use sparrows to rid myself of those annoying pests!"

"HEY! No evil plotting on set!" Taka yelled.

"AND WHO EXACTLY WERE YOU CALLING AN ANNOYING PEST HUH?" Goku bellowed from inside.

"Yes! The world will be mine!" Koushu cried exultantly.

Sparrows started to dive bomb the camera crew. Yelling and dropping the camera and equipment, the crewmen shouted and fled toward the house. Taka grabbed a stick and started playing Sparrow Softball while chasing the psychotic lady from the vicinity.

Several loud CRASH! BANGs! And a couple of BOOM!s later all was well on the set. Sure there was a decrease in sparrows and camera men (don't ask me where they went) as well as some more ruined property that Taka would probable have to pay for, but otherwise everything was ship-shape.

"All right," Taka said with a grimace… who's next?"

"It's Kougaigi. Oh- and you have a bunch of leaves in your hair." The director replied snidely.

"Thanks," she muttered. "Ok lets get on with it."

The camera started and the director said 'ACTION!'. "Well folks, we have a real treat today. The infamous son of Gyumaoh, the second-hottest red head ever (after Gojyo), the leader of the Kougaigi-ikkou, Kougaigi himself!"

Kougaigi calmly came onto the set, turned the chair right side up, and sat down. "Whatever- lets just get this over with. I'm only here because Lirin wanted to come."

"Ooooh how nice! It's a family occasion! If only Gyumaoh wasn't like totally frozen…" Taka spaced out.

"Ahem."

"Oh! Right, How many sparrows in an English garden? And please try to keep your answer… un-violent."

"Why do I care how many effing sparrows there are?"

"Kay," The host said cheerfully, thankful that it had been short and to the point. "Well thank y-"

CRASH! A huge boulder FELL on top of the villa and while everyone was safely out of it, Taka was livid.

"WHAT in HEAVEN'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" Taka screamed at a small flame-haired figure.

"Is it my turn? Is it my turn? Is it? Huh Oni-chan? Huh?" an extremely hyper Lirin asked excitedly as she perched on Sanzo's shoulder.

"CUT!" Taka yelled as she stormed over to Lirin. " Now explain exactly WHY you dropped a BOULDER on the place that I'M PAYING FOR!" _I'll kill her- I really will. Scratch the law, the paperwork, and the jail-time, I'm gonna kill 'er! _

"I wanted to get the Sanzo party! But they got out again. Sanzo-sama gave me a meatbun though!"

"Lirin, you idiot," Kougaigi fumed as he stepped forward, "Why in #& do you have to do this every time!"

"YOU DESTROYED THE ENTIRE PROPERTY MINUS THE GARDEN JUST TO MAKE A BAD ATTEMPT ON THE CORRUPTED MONK"S PATHETIC LIFE? I"LL…I'LL… ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

Akuma dashed forward to dump yet another bucket of ice water on the host. This seemed to calm her down somewhat, at least enough that she wouldn't strangle someone.

"Now," Akuma smiled, "repeat after me: Thank you all for coming-"

"Thankyouallforcoming" a sopping wet Taka muttered sullenly.

"Ah-ah-ah. Smile." The raven-haired girl fixed a rather strained smile on her face. "now say: unfortunately there have been some difficulties…" Akuma told her gleefully.

"UnfortunatelytherehavebeensomeDIFFICULTIES…"

"so the program will continue in an hour"

"sotheprogramwillcontinueinanhor…try NOT to kill each other." Taka glowered.

"Haha- she sounds like a dying parrot! Repeating everything!" Goku giggled.

Taka glowered.

Gojyo snorted, "Its not like a monkey is any better."

Taka glowered.

Hakkai smiled.

Taka glowered.

"Glad I'm not paying for this mess- the Three Aspects would kill me." Sanzo shrugged.

Taka glowered. That is, she did until she realized that Sanzo's idea had it's merits… then she smiled, "OK, everyone! Crew, cast, all the jazz, its clean-up time! Sweep the rubble off the set, fix the camera, and for Gods-sake someone stop Goku from eating that dead bird. It's disgusting!"

_Well_, she thought, _At least I still have the garden…_

**One hour later**

Taka came on set and made an announcement. "We are going to take a bit of a break from the evil interviews as we've had some bloody bad luck with them…" Mischievous grin. "So, we are inviting the Three Aspects for an interview before we continue."

"So Aspects, how many sparrows in an English garden?"

Aspect #1- "Blah blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda blah dadeedadeeda. Thank you."

Aspect #2- "The gibberish gibberish, blah blah blah, lalalalalallalalalalala, spatula mustard blah.

Taka yawned. _Wow, they really ARE boring. I can't even pay attention to what they're saying…although, did they say spatula?_ "So did you know that Sanzo is using your credit card to pay for this whole mess? Because, technically, this is his fault and I'm charging him for it…"

All Aspects- "WHAT!"

A violent debate broke out in which the aspects stared to bang their heads on one another. Even though this was quite amusing, Taka thought it best to move on before Sanzo found out…

"Now folks, on with the other side of the interviews! Our next interview victim- er… I mean- honorable guest- is Doctor Nii. He may have a cool name but this classic evil scientist is a real…dip. Please welcome Nii! Oh and his bunny doll thing."

"So, Doctor," Taka smiled stiffly as she edged away from him, "How many sparrows in an English garden?"

"Sparrows?" he queried, raising an eyebrow. (This action is meant to be dashing but Nii makes it look kinda weird.) He looked at the bunny whimsically.

"Yes, sparrows. How many are there in an English garden?" Taka replied through gritted teeth.

Doctor Nii (and his bunny doll)-** "**Hu hu, sparrows, dearest are inconsequential. I'm sure you'll agree, bunny agrees- don't you my sweet?"

"Umm… ew. What is with the bunny complex anyway?"

"Haha, aren't you funny. She is isn't she my pet?" He looked at her and smiled.

"Oooookaayy…. _That's a little creepy. Ya, definitely creepy. _Taka scooted back further. (The bunny thing is messed up. Talk about issues.)

"You know I once had an experiment like you…"

"Um…security!" The 'security' rushed in. They were a couple of nerdy manga critics. "Hey they were all I could find on short notice."

Well that concludes our portion of Round 2- Evil Interviews.

Next- A higher level of opinions (and no I didn't mean politicians when I said evil.)

A/N: Man, I am so tired. Aya! My stupid plot bunny ran away for a while so I am sorry about the delay for this chappie! R&R anonymous or not. I love them!

A/N: I love to torture sparrows! Can you tell?


	4. Round 3 Just heavenly

A Friendly Chat in Paradise

Disclaimer: I own nothing, Kazuya Minekura owns everything. You know the drill by now people. And do I really have to put a disclaimer for every chappie?

Darn typing takes forever. I'm such a slow keyboardist (is that a word?). I type about 15 words per minute. At least that's what it was last year- seriously, I'm pathetic. You see all the pain I put myself through for you people?

By the way Im giving a shout out to my friends! Hey **Akuma**- thanks for the help. **Okami** thanks to you too. **Tsuki, Inaka, Kitty**- You had better review after you read or I'll skin you alive! D How nice and cheerful! (cackles evilly) Oh, **Girl of Nataku **I will be doing Gods in this very chappie. I hopes you likes it! (And yes, the sparrows will stay with the fic until the end! THE SPARROWS WILL DOMINATE! MWAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAA!) And **Saiyukisexy**, keep reading. You are so cool!

Part of this also goes to **Akuma** my co- authoress and to **Saiyukisexy**. Thnx for all your wonderful ideas! I'm using some of them!

Anyway, I'm sorry I've been so slow, thanks for bearing with me all this time. Wow only 2 more chappies to go unless I get more ideas. sighI guess this poor fic's days are numbered. And right now the number is 4, so without any more rambling rhetoric-

CHAPTER 4!

Ch. 4- Round 3; just Heavenly

Taka, having been unable to take refuge in the villa as it (and all other buildings in a 20 mile radius) had been destroyed by some… shall we say- enthusiastic- inhabitants of Shangrai-la. Several interviews had already been done to Taka's immense relief. Namely an impudent little monkey with wide, deceptively innocent golden eyes, a hot, perverted kappa, a quick-tempered, crooked monk, and an insanely smiling healer with his cute dragon. And the second group included the second hot redhead (but with terribly long nails), his idiot sister who also had those sweet puppy-dog eyes, their freakish mother, creepy doctor and some boring heads.

Well lets just say that while each group was quite capable of a vast variety of atrocities on their own, putting them together created an explosive situation, to a certain host's great distress. ( If you didn't get that- it means that they all caused a large amount of damage that Taka would be paying for.)

Furthermore, she was on the brink of exhaustion, very disgruntled, and more than a little upset. Her garden was in bad shape with more than half the sparrows dead, the plants crushed from falling debris, and the set fixed haphazardly. The villa was completely GONE, the food had all been eaten by a certain small imp in the guise of a boy/saru, and Taka's hair was messed up. All that remained intact was the stone wall!

The Spirit Girl was having a bad day.

So she decided to calm things down a bit. Perhaps a bit of 'divine advice' wouldn't go astray either. So what did she do? She called on the Gods. It didn't turn out how she expected.

"So," Kanzeon Bosatsu drawled as she waltzed onto the set having just descended from the Heavens, "I'm all ready for my interview and I'm not going to wait. Hurry it up a bit will you."

"Er..ok. So my lady, how many sparrows in an English garden?" Taka almost blushed again- almost. By now she was way too tired to care what some stupid prig of a goddess (and God but as this is rated T we'll stay away from that) thought of her question.

" Sparrows. Hmmhmmhm." She laughed daintily. "Sparrows are soooo dull. Just way too boring. Even more boring than those idiots I sent West. Mind you, they provided some quality entertainment for a while. But sparrows? Why don't you ask me about myself?"

"My Lady do you think this wise-" Jeroushin cautioned.

_Woah, when'd he get here. Must be the humble lackey thing. Seems so invisible sometimes…_Taka thought snidely.

"I know that you're all jealous of my ravishing beauty that lasts for eternity but that's what comes of being a goddess."

Jeroushin coughed loudly several times to Taka's amusement. "Um Kanzeon…"

"You will address me as The Great And Merciful Goddess at all times!"

"Right- Oh so Great and Merciful Goddess…" the girl's voice positively dripped with sarcasm. The goddess didn't even notice.

"As I was saying, being so generous, graceful, and gorgeous at the same time is not easy, especially when the heavens get so dull…"

At this exact moment (Which is fortunate for those who do not wish to hear her long speech about herself) Kanzeon was interrupted by the arrival of two youkai. They were none other than Dokugakugi and Yaone.

Breathless and winded they arrived on the set. "Where's Kou? What have you done with him?" Dokugakugi demanded fiercely. (Lets just call him Daku cuz his real name is way too long.)

"And where is Lady Lirin?" Yaone cried.

"Here I am!" came a loud, high-pitched squeal from the black, charred heap of ruble that used to be a pretty, stately little villa. _My poor villa. _"I'm O.K!"

_Looks like Lirin is fine. Man that chick is annoying. _Taka thought. And from the less than pleased look on several people's faces, Taka could tell that she was not alone in this thought.

"Lady Lirin! Are you all right? Why did you run off like that? We thought you had been abducted or something when you didn't turn up for lunch. There were meat buns.

"Meat buns! Awww. This stinks, I missed them." She stared forlornly at her feet. "And I didn't even kill the Sanzo-ikkou or get my interview…"

"Terrible I'm sure," muttered Doku, "But where's Kougaigi?"

"Oni-chan!" Lirin called.

"What is it now you little brat- oh its you guys." Kou said as he climbed over the smoking pile of wreckage. _My poor villa, my poor, poor little villa._ Taka cried silently.

Then a thought occurred to her. _Hey Where is Sanzo and them anyway. What if they died! There would be investigations. And a lot of tedious paperwork. I hate paperwork. What if the credit card was buried! Then I really would be paying for all of this. And Gojyo… he can't die! NO!_

While Taka was wallowing in her own secret dread, Lirin decided to voice her thoughts. "Heeeey… What did happen to droopy-eyes baldy anyway?"

"Heeheeheeheeeeeheeehee. Oh, I sent Sanzo to an anger management class. He looked like he was about to spontaneously combust- his face was soooo red! Heeheehee!" Kanzeon erupted into a fit of giggles and had to be supported by a slightly disapproving Jeroushin.

We see a furious Sanzo with a face like a beetroot glaring at a ring of fuming people sitting in a pink councilors office. His gun was taken by security guards although his fan was still clenched in his shaking fist. Goku was grinning like the Cheshire cat because Sanzo couldn't shoot him. Gojyo was tied up out in the hall because he was detained for swearing after someone accused him of being gay. (I don't know why. After all this is supposed to be Anger Management.) Hakkai was standing and smiling politely at all the people.

"Hi, my name is Cho Hakkai and I have a problem with being too forgiving."

"Hello Hakkai" the room responded dully. "Wait," someone piped up, " Isn't this supposed to be anger management?" (That's what I said!) Sanzo was absolutely fuming.

"Well, yes, but I'm only here because my friend the monk was ordered here by The Great And Merciful Goddess after a pack of demons destroyed a house and one particularly annoying one called him names." Hakkai explained.

"Wow, is your family life that bad?" one guy asked Sanzo.

Sanzo lunged toward the man, ready to strangle him without a moment's hesitation. Hakkai had to jump in and try to keep himself between the incredibly stupid man and an incredibly angry Sanzo while explaining that the Goddess was not Sanzos wife and the demons he had spoken of were NOT Sanzo's children. And he had to smile while doing it. What a pain.

But after all, this is anger management!

While all this was going on, Lirin had run off to find them and to terrorize all the shrink's offices she could find. Kougaigi had run after her and his subordinates had followed behind.

"Well, all that excitement has made me thirsty. Jeroushin- go find me something to drink!"

"Yes my Lady." Jeroushin bowed and hurried away. A few minutes later he came back with a bottle of some sort of beverage. "Enjoy" he said presenting it to her.

"Where were we? Oh yes! We were talking about me! Now-" The dark-haired goddess took a sip of the drink without looking at it because she, of course, was looking at her reflection in the camera lens. Anyway, this was a very stupid move. The drink was actually dietary supplement for old people. (Side effects may include increased facial hair.)

Just then, Kanzeon sprouted a curly black beard on camera! "B-but- but I just shaved! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" she cried out in anguish.

Then she turned to her servant and said in a voice that could freeze fire and stop a ravening wolf in it's tracks- "Jeroushin, what did you get me?"

"I'm sorry my lady. It was all I could find in this desolate land. I got it from- from the security guards."

"You mean those geeky manga people?" She asked coldly.

Jeroushin nodded meekly.

"JEROUSHIN!" Kanzeon Bosatsu wrathfully sent a lighting bolt crashing down on her bumbling lackey. He was illuminated by the sudden flash before crumbling into a small pile of gray ash with two eyes sitting in bewilderment on top. blink blink

Kanzeon sniffed waved her hand to banish the beard and with injured pride looked back to the stunned host. "What was the question?"

"The question was how many sparrows." Taka interjected.

"Fine," Kanzeon sneered. "Jeroushin, go count them."

Blink blink Two eyes stared back at her from their dusty perch.

"Oh never mind. Come on." She glided away. Taka stared after her and then motioned for someone to sweep Jeroushin up off the floor.

"Well…heh… that was certainly interesting. Next we have a child God. Yes he has a problem with discipline but who couldn't like the mischievous, recently awoken, Nataku!"

Nataku brushed the wayward strands of dirty-blond hair from his golden eyes. He came onto the set, smiled shyly and sat down. "Hi."

Taka smiled back. "So, Nataku. How have you been? I mean how did it feel to be a total space cadet for so long?"

Nataku was staring at something behind her. Taka turned to see what he was looking at but didn't see anything. Nataku was completely gone. "Uh Nataku? You there?" She waved a hand in front of his face- he didn't even blink. She tried yelling in his ear and snapping her fingers in front of his eyes. She even pinched him. Just when the host was about to give up, Nataku blinked and looked around curiously.

"Er, what happened exactly? Did I space out again?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry that has happened a lot lately. I dunno why." Hee looked up at the sky thoughtfully. As Taka feared he was in danger of spacing out again she asked him another question.

"How many sparrows in an English garden?"

"Eh?"

"Forget it," she muttered as he stared of into the blue again. "Here someone get Kanzeon to take him with her."

"Ok," she said, clapping her hands together, "Next we have the cool, but totally twisted, evil hot dude- Homura himself! And with him is the God, Zenon with a machine gun (didn't know they had those in Heaven) and Shienn with his really awesome light-saber whips!"

Homura came strutting out from behind the twisted remains of the summer home, flanked by the two gods. _My poor little villa… sniff…_Homura looked very dignified as did the two that strode behind him. _Gods, _Taka thought irritably, _Are they all so arrogant? Kanzeon was bad enough but if I have to listen to him too…_ she left it at that.

The Prince of War's black hair was a bit ruffled as though he had caught a divine wind coming down from his lofty heights in Heaven. His odd eyes stared coolly at Taka. They were a little unnerving. Also unnerving was the uncanny composure and lack of emotion that all three displayed. Yeah, it was a bit unnerving.

"Hello. I'm Homura, Prince of War and honored emissary of the Jade Emperor." He stated coldly.

The enraged voice of Nataku floated down over the garden,"YOU STOLE MY JOB YOU LOUSY--(At this point more censoring is used.)

"I thought you didn't like that position?" Kanzeon was heard saying.

"Good point!" he conceded. "NEVERMIND! HAVE FUN MORON! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

At this point there was a loud thud and grown that belonged to Nataku. Apparently, after realizing that he was free, he was so overcome by joy that he fell from the stairway to Heaven… That must have hurt.

_Ouch! _Taka cringed,_ but at least he's a God. Too bad we didn't get it on camera tho'. _

"Yeah, so anyway Homura, how many sparrows in an English garden?"

"What English garden?"

Taka looked around. _Oh yeah, the garden is kinda dead. But then what'll I use for a question? _ "Ummmmm…..heh…. How many sparrows in a Japanese God's garden? …."

"Well it doesn't matter does it?" he asked rhetorically.

"It doesn't?"

"No, because I will be the Supreme Ruler of Earth, Heaven and the Universe." He declared with unwavering confidence.

"So why doesn't it matter?" _Not really getting it…_

"Never mind. A stupid, common mortal such as yourself would never understand," he told her condescendingly. "Besides, why do you want to know about Heaven? You will certainly never understand my brilliance."

"Try me!" the Spirit Girl retorted hotly.

"With all the people under my dominion they will no longer have need to ponder such silly things as sparrows. No… perhaps I should enslave them as well…."

"Someone already tried that. It didn't work so well." Taka told him, recalling the incident with the evil, psycho lady with green hair and no fashion sense.

"I will rule the world! Haaaaaahahahahhahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" He started to enslave what was left of the dead sparrows, creating a legion of mindless sparrow zombies.

"I'll say it again for your benefit," Taka said, a vein pulsing dangerously in her forehead, "NO EVIL PLOTTING ON SET AND NO MORE **DAMAGE**!"

Homura calmed down considerably at the sight of his demented host wielding a camera tripod, with flames that were literally springing from her. Akuma ran on set smiling and doused that fire by throwing yet another bucket of icy water on the girl.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

After she had finished screaming, Taka fixed an extremely forced smile on her face and turned to the other two. "H-how many s-sparrows in an English garden?"

"We can find out." Zenon grinned menacingly as he hefted his machine gun.

"That's really ok…" Taka replied uneasily.

"Perhaps you wouldn't mind our… _counting_, as they sparrows are technically dead anyway," Shienn said dispassionately.

"Good point."

Both gods started to move but were stopped by Homura's upheld hand. Bemused, the two looked curiously to their leader. "Zenon, Shienn, would you please get me something to eat. All this excitement has given me a frightful appetite."

_Jeez what is with these gods. Something bad will come from this, just like it did when Kanzeon wanted a drink…_

"Let me think. What do I want? I know, how about some pocky! "

"Um, Ok my Lord. C'mon Shienn, his handsomeness wants pocky," Zenon grunted and started off. "Hey, where on this God-forsaken Earth can someone find decent pocky?"

"Wallmart?" Shienn suggested. (I know that there's no such thing as Wallmart there but Wally World is awesome so give me a break )

"Well now that those two have gone on a quest for long, Japanese pastries in the foms of sticks, otherwise known as pocky…. We'll keep going. Thank you Homura for your views. And yes, you can take all your mutant sparrows with you."

Taka smiled at the camera again although it looked more akin to a grimace. "Next we would have Komi-sama, a monk whose ambition extends much further than his swelled head, but he's also been sent to anger management so we'll just have to speculate…"

We see an explosive Genjyo Sanzo grappling with a very irritated Komi-sama. (holding a chibified Jeep doll).

(Man these stars are fun!)

"Thank you everyone for watching A Friendly Chat in Paradise. This is our last episode sniff so, this is Taka signing off." **BANG**. Taka rounded on someone off camera. Presumably Zenon or Shienn. "NO USING POCKY STICKS AS TORCHES! PUT THOSE OUT THIS INSTANT! I MEAN IT!"

THE END ( of the interviews)

This is an after production interview. ----

**Taka: **So Akuma, How many sparrows in an English garden?

**Akuma:** Taka…I'm hungry. Why do I havta take this stupid questionnaire thing anyway? I'm hungry! (It is hard to imagine Akuma as sad and dejected but she manages quite well at lunch time.) Do you have any food-

**Taka**: No.

**Akuma:** But-

**Taka**: NO!

**Akuma**: Stupid _mumblemumbleCreates HUGE fireball and incinerates gardenand all that is left of zombie sparrows_ Ok-there are no Sparrows left in the garden, **_now_** can I have something to eat?

And yet another---

**Taka: **How many sparrows in an English garden? African or European? Wait that's swallows. Never mind.

Stay tuned cuz this ain't the last chappie. I hav 1 more to go. So plz don't bail now! Love ya all!- **_Pixystixcleaver _**


	5. Behind the scenes fun

A Friendly Chat in Paradise

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters contained in this fic except Taka. No matter how much I wish I did, they all belong to someone else….sniff…

**To Saiyukisexy and/or Girl of Nataku: **Thank you for your devotion. Me wuvs u much much!

**To Okami**: U r in the story now. And I have the jokes. Happy?

**To Akuma**: Thnx for your help. I'll need more. )

Ch. 5, Behind the scenes.

So there was a bunch of interviews right? And only a few people got to be on set at one time right? Meaning that the rest of the people had to co-exist within a few hundred meters of each other right?

Right!

So how exactly did we manage without some serious mishaps? We'll show you an exclusive behind the scenes take on _A Friendly chat in Paradise_.

Akuma paced inside the villaTaka wanted her to stall the people coming but that was harder than it looked. Especially considering the nature of those she was supposed to be subduing.

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNG DOOOOOOOOOONNNNG! It was the doorbell. Akuma walked over to it and swept it open. And shut it again.

"Hey! That's not very nice Akuma! You let me in this minute or I'll--!" A muffled voice started to make some very unseemly threats on the other side of the sturdy door.

"You're in no position to say such things Okami," Akuma cackled true-to-type. A long torrent of pounding ensued. "All right. All right. Don't break the freakin door down ok? This ain't my place." She opened the portal to emit a rather flustered girl. She had long golden-brown hair with bleached bangs; pointed wolf ears protruded slightly from its curls.

"Hey where's Taka huh?"

"Outside…heehee…she's such a moron." Akuma snickered and was promptly cut off by whack upside the head.

Taka was back but she didn't look so good. "Shut it Akuma, I'm already mad enough as it is. Kami-chan?" she said noticing her other friend. " Why are you here?"

"Thought you might need some help." She shrugged offhandedly. "Looks like I arrived right on time."

"Yeah, can you keep the guests occupied while I'm doing interviews? Akuma will help but I need her for other stuff."

"Sure thing," Okami smiled.

"Thanks. You're a life-saver!" And Taka rushed off.

" Jeez. You get called a life saver and I get a shoe in the moth. I feel unloved." Akuma said.

"So. You got any ideas?"

"Not really. We could…tell jokes or something…"

"Yeah…"

The Sanzo-ikkou arrived first, the rest wouldn't come until later. And so they told jokes; Saiyuki jokes.

"**How many Kougaigis does it take to change a light bulb?**" Akuma grinned nervously.

"I don't know. Do tell." Hakkai encouraged her politely. Okami was already hanging all over him.

"Only one, but it will take some time because he'll start to wonder if it's worth the effort. Then he'll wonder who he's doing it _for_. Then he'll probably get angry and smash the light bulb when he realizes that he is just a puppet who can't even change a light bulb properly." The room was kind of silent… "And Kami, stop mooning over Hakkai. Inuyasha will be jealous."

And so it went on like this.

**How many Gyokumen Koushus (the evil lady with funky green hair that directs Kougaigi) does it take?**

Again, it only takes one although she must perform dangerous experiments that somehow end up driving the entire youkai population insane. If anyone accused her she would become haughty and reply that it was necessary if the light bulb was to be "resurrected." (Plus, she'd have her minions do it all for her.)

**How many Doctor Niis would it take to screw in a light bulb?**

I could better answer this question if he would stop trying to do freakish tests on the different kinds so he knew which ones worked the best and actually try to _do_ something.

**How many Son Gokus does it take to change a light bulb?**

At first, I'd say it would take quite a few. Goku isn't exactly the smartest cookie in the jar, but here, less is more. The less Gokus- the less light bulbs eaten.

**How many Genjyo Sanzos does it take?**

Only one. However, it may take awhile considering his nature. If Sanzo doesn't utterly destroy it with Holy Magic because it doesn't work, he will be so startled when it _does_ blink on that he will blow it up with his gun. Then of course he will get all sad because the light bulbs had "called to him".

**How many Sha Gojyos does it take? **

It takes two. One to screw the light bulb and one to actually screw the light bulb in.

**How many Cho Hakkais does it take?**

Well, I'd say about three. One to keep Gojyo in line and help Goku with his stomach problems since he ate the lights. Another would have to keep Sanzo from shooting both of them. A third would actually be the one to go get the light bulb and put it in. This might take a few trips as Hakkai will have to keep purchasing more bulbs because the former ones broke due to his bad driving.

**How many of the _Three Aspects_ would it take?**

They can't. C'mon people, they're floating heads! All they can do is yak. They know this and so they would charge Sanzo with the task.(and they would be extremely upset when the credit card bill came in cuz Sanzo had to buy a bunch since he kept breakin' them all.

**How many Kanzeon Bosatsus does it take?**

It takes one. She _could_ just zap it and make it light up, but it's _way _more fun to watch all the bumbling idiots try to do it and so electrocute themselves.

(HEY I HEARD THAT! _ZAP_ A bolt of lighting fries the already wrecked villa.)

**How many Akumas would it take?**

note: Akuma is throwing ice water on Taka when this particular joke is being told.

It takes one. But she would probably have much more fun throwing it at Taka _sniff…_

(Star Wars music comes on in background and an announcer with a british accent is heard saying) Thank you for watching _A Friendly Chat in Paradise_. Next we have _Survivor; Ruroken Style_ and _The Oh So Tangled Love Lives In Feudal Japan_. Thank you.

So there's the story. Hope you all liked it. Light bulb jokes are fun! I still want reviews even if it is the end. So don't be shy!

I will be writing a Rurouni Kenshin Survivor and a weird love-life thing for Inuyasha.

Ill miss you. Chibi-cry! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!


	6. Shangrai La commercial break

**Commercials!**

**I was gonna make a RuroKen fanfic, but its not coming along very fast, so one night I decided to make a couple of commercials for in between this show. Who knows, it might be fun. **

**So I did, and it was! I just hope you have as much fun reading it as I did creating it. **

**R&R people, there are so many out there who won't read stories without reviews and it's a darn shame. Its also a shame on those who like the story but won't take 1 minute to let me know. You have no idea how much critiques mean to me, even if you only thought it was okay or downright horrible. No flames though k?-**

**Taka**

OoOoOoOoOoOo

If you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar….

**Kanzeon**: Then don't come to heaven. It's a downright boring place okay! Can I get a hallelujah?

**Nataku**: Hallelujah?

**Kanzeon**: Instead, come the new apartment complex called Inubaka (dog poo) a wonderful little place nestled between the Okao mountains and the Pit of DESPAIR! Muahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha! –Ahem- anyway, it's got some cool yukai detectors to sense those stupid little termite demons that like to eat houses and such.

It'll be interesting to watch anyway, right Jeroushin?

**Jeroushin**: Yes… my Laordy (combination of Lady and Lord)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

-We hear a deep, very telemarketer-type voice- "Now we all know that Shangai- La is not the easiest place to survive in…

**Angry townspeople in front of the smoking ruins of their village**: "Ya got that right!"

-" So now there is a new range of books to help. Besides regular books for dummies there are special addition book. First there is _How to Handle/Care for Your Jeep/Dragon; For Dummies _by Cho Gonou"-

**Hakkai:** "I thought we were supposed to change it to Hakkai! I'm taliking to my editor about this!"

"And we'll let him tell you more about it…"- The voice said hastily.

**Hakkai:** "Yes, thank you. As I was saying this book is by Cho Hakkai. _Handling/Caring for Your Jeep/Dragon; For Dummies _is the perfect book if you own or would like to own a dragon of Hakuryu' s sort. It covers everything you need to know. Their diet, habits, and ways of communication are detailed. Also it shows you how best to get along and work together. It even has a section on driving. "

**Gojyo:** "Are you sure you're qualified to teach driving, Hakkai?" (very skeptical)

**Hakkai:** "And you don't need to be a Dummy to read it! (Huge and very sincere smile. Aw, isn't he cute) Thank you. "

-"Next we have _How to Entertain Yourself When Inconsolably Bored in Heaven For Dummies _by someone under the pen name 'Great and Merciful Goddess'" -

**Kanzeon**: It's full of great tips and comes from long and in-depth experience on my part. I've used quite a few of them So now all of you in Heaven can buy this fabulous book by a fabulous author to whittle away the eternities. Or you can do what my dear nephew Konzen did and get yourself reincarnated…"

"Its great for both the guys and the girls. (I should know)."

-"Well that was interesting. Next we have _How to Pick Up Hot Chicks of Any Kind For Dummies_ by the Perverted kappa?"-

**Gojyo:** "Dammit Goku! I told you not to write on my book! Get over here Baka Saru! Itai! Hakuchi! Lemme at him!"

**Goku**: " Ugh that book is disgusting.. I (he blushes) mumble mumble. (WHACK) Ahhhh Gojyo you jerk!"

-"Well thank you… Um, well its just one in a long and prodigios series. Other titles include: _How to Become a High-Ranking Buddhist Priest by Complete Accident For Dummies, Bringing Back a huge Dead Monster of a Demon with a Bunny Doll For Dummies, How to Overlook Evil Scientist And Bunny Doll While having a Bad-hair Century, _and finally _Destroy Everything In Your Path But still Not Hit the Target For Dummies _(by Lirin).

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Are you tired of not being able to control you demonic powers? Do you want a more peaceful life style. Are normal power limiters just not working for you or are they unbearably unfashionable?

Then boy do we have the thing for you. If you're tired of treating humans as snacks then come on down to the Scared Villager's Against Minus Waves store and we'll get you fixed up right way.

Demon: (He's laying on a sofa with a very dzed and idiotically happy smile on his face.) Man do I feel so much better now. In fact, I'd like to help people out. (Demon goes berserk and starts killing everything in sight.)

Warning. Side effects may include but are not limited to induced euphoria, drooling, couch-potato behavior, commas, random muttering, newfound and uncharacteristic love of hugs, sparkly eyes.

Warning. May be liable to wear off. Not guaranteed. May be illegal in some countries. Spontaneous combustion possible. (Means you could blow up randomly).

Warning. Not for those who are pregnant, rabid, have diabetes, or who already have power limiters.

Note- Will not work on humans. This means no putting them on rambunctious children or prisoners of state.


End file.
